on why

If you are reading this entry, consider yourself a lucky one becoz there’s only a few people out there knows that i’m pregnant.

I’m not the kind of person of shouting to the world telling that finally i’m pregnant. No. No.  Eventually, i feel “segan” when others find that i’m expecting. I dont feel like telling to others. Let it just between hubby and I. But surely, its impossible. From the moment that we went to see Dr.K, the staffs are ready to tell the world (on behalf of me). Now i truly understand how effective the word of mouth is.

Anyways, sometime last week, a good friend of mine give me a buzz. Back in our old days, we used to share almost of everything. She got married first and got pregnant right away. Now her daughter was almost 2.  From the last time we met, she was ready to have another children but was quite dissappointed that she didnt conceive until now. So as expected, she asked me the question.

I was quite reluctant to say YES right away. It feels like there is something in my throat that i almost choked when i said ..InsyAllah, end of December.

She then questioned why i was reluctant to give the answer. Segan. Thats all what i said. “….Ko bukannye segan, tapi ko takut sebenarnya..”

Its so true. Its not segan. Afraid. Fears. I was afraid back then. I still now.

And i know why. Before i conceived, my cuz got pregnant. But she didnt continue the pregnancy..bleeding & miscarriage. Long before that, a colleague got pregnant and too, she didnt get a chance to continue the pregnancy. Their babies just stop growing and resulting in miscarriage. Both person didnt have the classical symptoms. And their hopes were ecstaticly high. And so when they didnt.

So thats why i was segan to tell the world. Because i know that 1st trimester is very risky. We never know what will happen. So i decided to ”make it on low tone” until the next trimester. 

Now you know.

@ 8 weeks

We went for our 1st antenatal check on 8th May. I couldn’t sleep the night before and woke up early that day. I’m scared.

We waited for about 2 hours before seeing Dr.N because she had to see her patient to deliver a baby that morning. Hubby was asleep while waiting, but i just couldn’t. I read newspaper, watched cartoon on the TV. I’m restless.

We did the vaginal scan since we won’t be able to see our baby with the stomach scan. A bit nervous at first but when i saw my baby i just smile and smile and smile and excited. Dr.N also said that my baby is doing just fine, he already has heartbeats meaning that our baby is ok inside. Pity hubby didn’t get to see the tiny heartbeat.

I asked about my absence of nausea, vomiting, superwomen smells etc and she said that i’m lucky not to be getting all those symptoms. She said that not all expecting mothers must have the classical symptoms of pregnancy to be pregnant. Sometimes people with severe vomiting will have to be admitted due to dehydration. And what is more important is that the vomiting, nausea and stuffs are not a guarantee to be certain that the baby is fine. So yeah, I understand her explanation. I should know better with my medical background but i just couldnt help it. Maybe i worry too much.

We went back to hubby’s hometown over the weekend. Later i found out that my mother-in-law didnt suffer from the classical symptoms of pregnancy when she was pregnant. Eventually, I followed her footstep  because both my sis-in-laws had the symptoms. Lucky me!!

So at the moment, i’m all ok. No nausea, no dizziness, no vomiting. I’m hungry all the time, my mood swings are horrible especially when hubby was bz with his work; i feel neglected. I dislike hubby to go outstation. I dont feel like to cook, so we eat out almost every dinner. I’m exhausted all the time. To climb 2 floors up is a tiring activity for me. I have to stop in the middle of the staircase to catch my breath. And my..my…i  gained weight fast!!  I couldnt zipped my kain baju kurung anymore. Thats scary ok. Meaning that maybe soon, i’ll have to start to shop for maternity dress.

Our next appoinment with Dr.N will be in early June.  During that time, i’ll be about 10+ weeks. Hopefully everything will be okay..InsyAllah.

my thoughts .now.

i’m scared. i’m worried. i’m curious.

i dont feel pregnant. i just feel… fat.

i eat a lot. i’m hungry all the times.

apart from that, i’m not having dizziness, nausea, mood swings sometimes. on and off breast tenderness. no stomach cramp. but i’m having white discharge on daily basis, which i already asked Dr.K about it. she said its normal, but nothing to be worried of. as long as the discharge is not brown in clour and smells.

my conversation with my sister had really frightened me more. she insisted me to go for a specialist check-up just to make sure that i’m pregnant, since i’m not having all the classical symptoms of a pregnant laydee..

then i read the pregnancy book about not feeling the pregnancy. here’s the book says: once the feotus stops growing, all the symptoms of pregnancy will eventually stops.

i’m scared.

i dont even feel my breast sore anymore. thats the most important sign to tell that i’m pregnant, still.

i dont feel i’m pregnant.. and i’m scared & worried.

so today, i beg hubby to bring me to specialist tomorrow. not on thursday as planned earlier. i cant wait. its too long and this feeling is killing me.

i dont know what i’ll do if this fears is true, that my precious liltle one has been taken away from me.

i just hope its not real. i just hope its only my imagination. 

i’ll do vaginal scan tomorrow with Dr.N for a confirmation.

hopefully, we’ll be doing just fine.