Life after 28

I mean, 28 days since the arrival of our daughter.

Still dalam berpantang, dalam hari bak kata orang2 tua.

But seriously, I dont really berpantang pun. I dont drink air rebus rempah kayu, I dont eat segala macam jamu, I dont cant wear bengkung, even I wanted it so badly tho. Now I rarely put on socks and sweater because its so hot these days and I cant stand a sweaty body. I wear param & pilis occasionally because the last time I wore pilis, it caused rashes on my forehead whilst param makes me nauseous with its smell.

But, I did have my berurut & bertungku session. 3 times with the makcik bidan. 3 days before habis hari, I’ll have a nother 3 sessions of berurut with her. Hmm, I must say; the berurut session was not as what I expected it to be. I mean, not as “powerful” masseur she is. Maybe its the age.

On foodwise, I eat whatever mom cooks for me. My menus consists of fishes, meats, lobak putih, bayam and sometime chickens. I believe that there is no berpantang when it comes to food and I make my own judgement on what I want to and not to eat. For instance, I have oats with milk for breakfast, fish cooked with lots of ginger and blackpepper with vege for lunch, crackers or mandarin oranges for snacks and the same lunch-dishes for dinner. In between, I drinks lots of water, be it plain water or cordial drinks. However, since I’m in a progress of reducing my weight, I opted for hot-milk instead of carb for my dinner. Syukur so far, it didnt effect my milk suply. 

On Tasneem-wise, like I said in my other blog, she sleeps like an angel in daylight but so-very-celik-mata at night (read=pagi2 buta). Usually starting from 2am up till 4.30am, she will be full wide awake. For the 1st week, it was a torture for me. The pains was killing me; from the c-sect area, pain from both of my  cracked nipples, pain from my back, pain from my engorged milk-factory, pain from not having a good-sleep and pain to hear my baby’s crying for whatever reason I didnt know understand. There was 1 night I just couldnt bear it anymore, I cried whenever Tasneem cried that night. Tensed with all the crying, I pulled blanket over my head and left Tasneem in the hands of her abi. I was tired and I need my rest. I slept till morning. I just didnt care that night.

However, as days passes by, I learn how to understand my daughter, her routine, her needs and her demands. But somehow there are times which I completely cant understand her at all, especially during that so-very-celik-mata pagi2 buta tu. I changed her, burped her, sapu her minyak yuh-yi, cradle & uncradle her, dodoi, give her nenen, I mean by all means to stop her from crying tapi sungguh tidak berjaya. At 1st it was only merengek2 je then it will turn up to wail. Macam kene dera. Time tu mmg sangat tensen okey, especially when hubby was  not around.

Lately, Tasneem’s behaviour during pagi2 buta is getting better. Maybe because she is now aware of her surroundings. She will be awake from 8pm++ for about 2 hours and then she’ll ask for her feed and sleep up till 3am, ask for her feed again for about 1 hour and goes back to sleep until 6-7am. But sometimes she will buat pe’el balik berjaga at 2am, but I didnt tense as bad as before. I’m used to it already tapi kalau dia buat hari2 mmg terasa jugaklah tensennye tu. hohoho

And oh, we’re going to have our 1st check-up post-partum this coming 31st Jan, Thursday, which will be the 1st month for Tasneem. Rasa excited pula nak bawa si kecik-cute tu jalan2 walaupun pegi ke hospital je. Lagi tak sabar nak tunggu abis pantang, boleh gi Pavillion buat 1st family outing walaupun sebenarnye ummi dia je yang beriya2 sgt nak gi Pavillion tu.hohohoooohhoo.

Ohh saya adalah sangat tidak sabar..

my story : post-op

Its been a while, pardon me. The new life as a mother; parents to little Tasneem has been great so far. 

The outer wound where they cut me is already healed but I still feel pain from the inside, especially when I feed lil’ Tasneem or whenever I bent down for any reason. Patutlah org kata jgn bongkok2 sangat lepas kena C-Sect ni.

Looking at my little girl, my heart melt and the proud feeling of becoming her mother blooming every single day. Rasa macam x percaya pulak yang dia dah ada depan mata. 

Giving birth to my little girl was an experience I didnt expected it to be. Neither did I ever imagine of. Honestly, I’ve been praying and hoping that I would give birth by normal procedure. In fact, I was confident that I would succeed through out the process; I was mentally prepared for the pain, I was ready for the labour battle and I was all prepared for the berpantang afterwards. Little did I realize that I was being tested by Him.

I was blinded by the nikmat He bestowed upon me.

Forgive me Ya Allah.

I was forgetfull for the blessings.

Oh Lord, forgive me.

He already had plan for me.

31st Dec ‘07; Monday  11.00pm

I was all stitched up and discharged from the Operation Room. Still anesthesized bottom down, I feel no pain at all. The drug they’ve given me cause drowsiness and I was half awake when they transfered me from the operation bed to the other. Hubby was nowhere to be seen after he took the pic below. I assumed he went to see his daughter upstairs and left me all alone. :p

Half awake & aware of surroundings

Wheeled to my room

I was awake when I reached my room. My parents, sibling and relatives were still around and but their main attention that night was my daughter!!  I was dripped so I’m not thirsty nor hungry, I was still paralyzed and nothing much I could do that night.

I was about to sleep when I felt itchy all over my body. It started at the neck and breast area, I thought it was just a normal itchy. But then the itchy sensation started to travel across my belly, thigh and the back area. I had goosebumps all over my body except minus the spooky feeling. Macam kera kena belacan, I was all scratching the bed for almost 1 hour until the staff nurse on-duty came and gave me a piriton jap. Baru boleh nak tido. Later I found out that it was the anesthetic drug me that cause the itchiness.

For your info, I was given spinal anesthetic (morphine) not epidural for the procedure. The drug will be effective for the next 6 hours and I was warned that I will feel pain around the wound area the next morning.

I was not prepare for it.

1st January ‘08; Tuesday

Woke up with an empty belly. I mean, its kind of weird looking at my belly which slightly flatter (??) than yesterday. Tried to adjust my position but OUCH!!!! it really hurt!!!! Even the slightest movement will cause me pain. So I decide not to move at all. I was on the catheter so I did not feel the urge to urinate, I was still on drip so I’m not hungry nor thirsty. All I ever do that morning was lying on the bed, feeling numb & pain at my bottock area. Nak adjust position pun x berani sebab sakit.

Around 9am, a nurse-aid came for a sponge session. For those who might not know, sponge session is a procedure where they bath you with warm water using a sponge or in my case; small towel.

Mula2 ingatkan dia nak sponge sambil baring, rupa2nya kene duduk melunjur. Sakitnya Tuhan yang tahu masa aid-nurse tu naikkan my bed. Menangis tahan sakit and that aid-nurse kept on saying “sorry kak farah…sorry ye kak farah” sambil meninggikan katil tu. Nak bergerak pun sakit, ni kan pula nak suruh duduk. Poor that aid-nurse, mesti rasa bersalah kan.. :p  During the sponging pun menderita jugak bila dia suruh mengiring ke kiri & ke kanan sebab nak lap bahagian belakang. Aduhaii….

After sponging, barulah dapat jumpa dgn lil’ Tasneem after almost 12 hours post-op and a brief 1 minute meeting in the OT room. Terharunye rasa perasaan 1st time pegang anak sendiri. Tak tahu nak cakap ape, I just look at her, touching her nose, eyes, lips, ears. Just feeling her for the 1st time. SubhanAllah, He had given me the most precious gift in my/our life.

My little girl was asleep when she was brought to see me. I had to wait for about 1 hour before I finally able to offer my milk. Sadly to say, she had been given formula milk twice since she was born. It was something out of my knowledge but there was little I could do to stop it.

1. I was still drugged with morphine when she was screaming for comfort/food after the delivery.

2. It was my mistake that I didnt leave a message to the nurses not to give FM to my baby. My bad.

However, my little angel really put a smile on my face when she happily sucking my milk-factory like she had been waiting for it since forever. Yela, risau jugak lah dia tak nak dengan n*ppl* kite bila dah dpt botol. Mula2 rasa pelik and janggal juga nak breastfeed anak, not knowing what to do, which is the correct way, how to hold her while feeding etc. Nasib baiklah my sister and mother were around. I was not sure either there were any milk existed during that time, but my little girl looked more than happy sucking it so I was pretty confident that I successfully fed her. I know the milk didnt come in yet but I’m confident that she got the colustrum and happily stimulate the milk-factory, which is the most important of all. 

Rooming in for the 1st time

I was off the drip and cathether later that evening and I was determine to wake up from the bed or at least able to adjust my position on the bed. Apart from pain from the belly and groin area, the bottock also adding up the list of pain to me since I had been bed-rested for more than 16 hours.

My first attempt getting up from bed was to turn my body to the left sideline. The pain was there but I can still handle it. The next step was to change from sideline to sitting position. Now this was the most agonizing part. Menangis tahan sakit. Bayangkan, all this while we have been using the stomach muscle for the movement, suddenly when you already have pain from the same area, how could you not using the same muscle and at the same time to feel the pain? Seriously, memang sakit. However, despite the pain, I succeeded to sit at the edge of the bed and next step was to stand on my feet. This time, I surrender. Eventhough I hold onto hubby’s body to help me stand, but the pain was unbearable. I  had to relax and layan borak with friends for almost 1 hour, then baru try bangun balik. Alhamdulillah, berjaya juga bangun dan berdiri. Bila dah berjaya berdiri, I tried to walk. Macam budak baru belajar berjalan, 1 step at a time.

Miraculously, after all the agonizing pain to stand on my 2 feet, I felt better. The pain was there but somehow rather it felt lesser than when I was bed-ridden. My theoretical idea for this situation was when I move around, the blood flow is free from any compression. And maybe my mind was not directed to think about the pain, thus it now has many other signals to cater other the pain signal. Hoohohoo… whatever it is, I felt so much better after that.

2nd January ‘08; Wednesday

Woke up. Pain. Depressed and feeling helpless. Feeling sad and guilty towards hubby because I had to rely on him on every aspects of my life. I asked hubby for a hug and kissed his hand asking for apology for I will have to rely on him on everything. It was nothing to him but an issue for me. I am always an independent of my own all this while and suddenly bed-ridden and helpless is an emotional issue for me. 

Hubby helped me getting up from bed and to my feet. You see, the problem I was facing that time was to stand on my feet from the laying position. I had to do the step slowly and trying not to use the stomach muscle to lessen the pain. So it took me almost 10 minutes everytime I wanted to wake up from bed, either for the toilets of just to walk around. But once I’m on my feet, I’d walk around macam tak kene ceaser. Laju nye jalan, macam x kena bedah je; bak kata budak2 aid-nurse.

3rd January ‘08; Thursday

Scheduled to be discharged by today. Sangat tidak sabar untuk di keluarkan dari wad. Lagi lama kene warded, lagi terasa macam sakit. In fact was that I was actively moving around the room, even managed to bath myself without assisted. Getting up from the bed was not as agonizing as before because I had learnt the correct way/technic to do the steps with less pain. A fast learner we’re talking here.. huhuhu :p

At around 3pm, Doctor Noraini came for the last review and finally I was out of the hospital. Seronoknya dapat balik rumah, with my new little girl. We went to our home 1st since we had to pack a few things for my long-confinement stay at seremban. Then later we travelled to my parent’s and it was the 1st ever ride for Tasneem in a car, eventhough not her abi’s but her atuk’s. Tak kesah lah kan kete sape, yang penting selamat.

So, there it was; my post-op experience mostly about the pain. I had never been hospitalized before, I had never been dripped & cathetered before, nor I had never been operation before. So overall , it was all my 1st experience; my 1st born with all new sets of experiences.

Eventhough there were many WHAT IF running around in my head before, when and after I had the surgery, I refused to ever think about them. Also when questions like WHY thrown by people, I smile as an answer or just ignore the question. I need not explain to them our decision. I need not satisfy their evil thoughts.

Here I take the chance to say BIG THANX to family and freinds who came for a visit. Many thanx to : Joy & family, Nani & family, Kannan & family, Fazril & family, Su & family, Ziemah, Yan, Betty, UNITEN Rowers, KLKM scouts, officemates, Makbusu, Atam, Kak Aju, Abg Danny, and of course emak, angah, abg meno, afeef and in-laws.

Life has been great so far.. I’m blessed.

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

my story

 First of all, ALHAMDULILLAH dengan izin-Nya saya masih lagi diberikan nafas dan di anugerahkan nikmat yang tidak terhingga; kelahiran bayi perempuan kami ke muka bumi Allah ini.

 Maha Suci Allah.

Banyak dugaan yang kami tempuhi sebelum dianugerahkan permata hati kami itu. It didn’t turn out as what we wanted it to be, kami hanyalah hamba yang lemah kadang-kadang terlupa yang segala perancangan itu adalah suatu ujian untuk kita sebenarnya kerana hanya Dia yang menentukan apa yang terbaik untuk kita.

So here is my story. 

Thursday, 28/12/2007

I went to see Dr.Noraini for her opinion regarding induce labor. I just need 2^ndfrom the gynae. I had the vaginal examination (VE) and was confirmed that the tissue around the cervix is already soft which indicates that the induce hormone –prostin will work well in a suitable condition.We had a discussion on the pros & cons and effects of the procedure and  I was scheduled to be admitted to the ward at 10pm Sunday 30/12/2007and prostin will be administered at 3am the next morning.

However, I secretly praying that lil’one will make the debut appearance by its own.

 Sunday, 30/12/2007Woke up from bed with a feeling of wet panty. Checked and it did feel wet. Informed hubby but decided to play wait and see. Continue to pack things for my confinement in Seremban.2.15pm - discovered a brown stain. Feeling a bit scarred not knowing what to do. Fortunately Sister Ruby called and asked her about it. She advised me to relax and go to the hospital. Do not rush and panic, she said.By the time we finished our lunch, emak and ayah arrived and told them about stain. Mak cakap, ha tu dah tanda-tanda lah tu.                                                         

 Last pregnant picture @ 40 weeks

4.15pm - Off we go to the hospital.6.30pm– Dr Noraini came and I was administered with prostin. The hormone should be working within 6 hours.After about 30 mins, I started to feel the contraction. Sakitnya macam period pain. I still can walk around.

CTG result : baby’s heartbeat OK, contraction : MILD.

12.30pm– VE result: -ve.

The cervix has not dilated yet. To wait for Dr. Noraini the next morning.   

Monday, 31/12/2007

7.00am – Dr Noraini came and again administered prostin for the 2^nd attempt. Again to wait for result in 6 hours. I was hoping the contraction will be stronger, but strangely I didn’t feel any contraction at all. It was better this time. Even had the energy to climb the staircase and went for a drink at the restaurant nearby.I started to feel anxious with the situation.

1.00pm– Dr Noraini came for a review. VE result : -ve

I was still ‘closed’. And we were given 2 options : To take prostin for the last attempt or proceed with C-Sec.Still hoping that I will ‘open’, we opted for prostin with high hope that I can deliver my baby with normal CVS procedure.

Now the time is killing me. Waiting is agony.

Angah and makbusu came for moral support but I still tensed for the next 6 hours.

7.30pm– VE result : -ve.

The maximum dose of prostin have been given, there was a constant MILD contraction but could not initiate the cervix to open thus failure for normal cervical delivery.Since the hormone was still in my system, it will continue to initiate contraction to the uterus and even though the cervix is not dilated, thus can cause bad complications to my baby & I; i.e: uterine rupture.

I was devastated.

The only option we had was C-Sect procedure.

Allah sahaja yang tahu perasaanku pada masa itu.

I tried to stay calm and control my emotions when I, half-heartedly agree and signed the Letter of Consent for the procedure, but when hubby & I were left alone, I broke my tears.

I was frustated. I was not ready for this situation. My mental was not prepared for this decision. My heart hurt. We were both were not prepare for this.

(I ‘m still emotional as I’m typing this)

I’m fortunate that hubby was around all the time and stayed cool. Kalau dia pun emotional jugak tak boleh nak bayangkan dua2 nangis bagai nak rak time tu.           

                                  

(Not so) prepare for the procedure

8.30pm - I was wheel-chaired to the operation room. Still crying.

I was being operated

9.31pm - I heard the cry of our baby for the 1st time. I cried when hearing abi azan & iqamat to our daughter. It was miracle. Undescribable feeling to hear the voice of our baby.

Our daughter, was born on 31st December 2007 at 9.31pm weighted at 3.1kg.

Maha Suci Allah. Allah hu Akbar. 

” Hello sweetheart, you can call me ummi “, our 1st met after 40 weeks

 I wanted share about the post-op experience, however I decided to let it be in another post. I dont want to kill the excitement of yours. hehe

Now ladies and gentlement, I proudly present your our pride, our joy, our love :

TASNEEM ATHIRAH BT MUHAMAD IBRAHIM