Tasneem & ummi

First of all, thanks to all the ‘get well soon’ wishes, Tasneem is now recovering from the measles at moment.

However, health has been not great for ummi,  I just being discharged from the hospital.

I was bleeding on Saturday and  I thought my menstrual cycle has started. But deep in my heart I had a glinch that something was wrong because the blood was ‘fresh red blood’  instead of the normal menstrual blood. So I decided to see my Gynae, Dr Noraini on Tuesday. It seems that I was bleeding and had to undergo suture procedure to stop the bleeding.

It was an emergency case.

Sleeping drugs didnt work well on me, so Dr Noraini had to put me under general anesthetics(GA) after hubby gave his consent (I was unconcious, obviously).

It was abt 8.30++pm that I gained my conscious, I called mr.Hubby to come to the hospital. So we; little Tasneem, mr.Hubby and I spent a night there.

Now I’m so-and-so although sometimes I feel (I think) the effects of GA- drowsiness, sleepy (I was sleep-drugged before being put under GA) and light-headed. So little Tasneem had to be under abi’s care from now on untill ummi feel better.

Owh, I got 7 days MC but I dont feel quite happy abt it. hmm..

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sempena tasneem 3 bulan ni, i wanted to share u this :

have fun viewing!

Leaving her behind

Sekarang ni pagi2 lepas mandikan Tasneem, masa pakaikan baju tu ummi terbayang2 camana la agaknya Tasneem kat umah babysitter tu bila ummi naik keje nanti.

Sekarang ni Tasneem buat pe’el melalak mase pakai baju, ummi doa janganlah Tasneem buat perangai cam gitu nanti. Malu nanti jiran2 dengar, nanti diorg cakap anak En. Ib ni kuat nangis. Kan dah x comel bunyi nye tu..

Last week, ummi has been contemplating either to ask your Nenek Rom’s favor to babysit you for a month or just send you to babysitter when I started working soon. Ummi talked to abi about it and here’s the conversation looked-alike:

 Abang, rasa2 ok x kita mintak tolong mami jagakan Tasneem utk sebulan ni??

Nape? kata nak hantar kat babysitter?

Alaaaa, kesian la kat Tasneem, kecik lagi.. still lembik nak hantar kat babysitter tu..

Abis tu, kalau mintak mami jaga lepas sebulan nanti dia dah x kecik lagi ke?

Err… *speechless*

Erm, nanti lah abg tanya pada mami.

But the truth is, ummi felt guilty for having to send you away. Also I just hate the feeling of you spending more time with others, not me, not your abi, not your relatives. Jealous. Crazy jealous.

This is the bitter-sweet fact that ummi have to deal. I believe all mother returning to work will feel that way too. IF only I have the option to stop working and stay with Tasneem all day BUT at the same time making money at home. But please, dont suggest me those work-from-home-internet-based-MLM- thing because lets just put it this way; I had enough of it already. I could not afford to stop working because of many reasons. Eventhough the idea of SAHM is fabulous, but its not suitable for us at the moment, especially in financial state. Lagipun, ummi likes to be a professional career woman and I know I’m capable to be a professional career mother too. I just need time to prove it.

Last few days, ummi had a final thought about the matter. I decided to just send you to the babysitter when I start working on 3rd March. I told abi that he doesnt have to ask mami. There are a few reasons why I made the decision and 1 of them is; sooner or later we still have to send Tasneem to babysitter afterall. Lagipun, mami’s has had a history with her hand, so mcm menyusahkan dia pula nanti nak kena jaga Tasneem.

So thats it, harap2 Tasneem behave and be a good little girl masa kat umah babysitter nanti. For the time being, ummi just want to spend the time left with Tasneem because I’ll be missing every moments of that soon.

Bottle-trained

Macam x sangka, I’m going back to work in 2 weeks time.

Cepat betul masa berlalu.

Oleh sebab itu, ummi telah memulakan jadual untuk Tasneem di “bottle-trained” mulai harini.

Oh sebenarnya, Tasneem dah minum EBM since 1 weeks old. And she already tasted the rubber teat since she was just a few mins born!! Also, after a few days, my mum introduced air zam-zam to her and she drinks that occasionally now. Its good to get rid of the phlegm.

Okay, back to the bottle-trained topic. . Mula2 dia macam main2 the teat dengan lidah tapi lepas tu mmg dia akan minum EBM. Risau juga lah mana tau kan mase baru lahir tu dia x memilih, tapi now since she becoming older, x mau dengan teat bottle. Tapi Alhamdulillah, Tasneem x menolak kalau beri EBM.

               Botol pun x kesah, yang penting susu ummi!!!

Awal2 dulu xde buat jadual pun untuk bottle-train. Ikut rasa ummi dia je, kadang2 pagi, kadang2 tghari, kadang2 malam, especially kalau abi ade. This is the time for abi to bond with his daughter. However I  make sure that she had her EBM once every day. Reason #1: sebab nak train Tasneem and reason #2: sebab nak kurangkan stock EBM dalam fridge wan Tasneem. hehe

Sebab Tasneem x banyak hal minum EBM lah buatkan hati ummi lega sikit nak tinggalkan Tasneem kat rumah. Macam last week, I had to overnight at Bangi and leave her with my mum for more than 24 hours. Meaning that she had to drink EBM the whole day. I left her 10 bottles of 3oz EBM each and semuanya habis!! According to my mum, she was OK drinking from her bottle that night but during her feeding the next day, she was “complaining” throughout her feeding. But still, she finished her milk, itu yang penting.

But 1 thing I noticed, if I breast-fed her after a bottle-fed session, at first she’ll suck sikit2 je, and I had to remind her that “this is ummi’s nenen not your bottle..” Agaknya itu yang dinamakan “teat confusion” kot eh?

Currently she drinks 4oz of EBM. Another good thing about bottle-fed is we know the amount of milk she drinks now. Sometimes, she finishes 4oz at 1 go and sometimes she finishes the 4oz in 2 sessions, about 15-30mins interval. Kalau Tasneem dah lapar sangat, dia sedut susu tu sampai tersedak2. Kita pulak yang risau dibuatnya.

Harap2 Tasneem boleh terima EBM ummi dalam botol sampai besar la hendaknya. Walaupun agak leceh nak kena basuh, sterile segala bagai sume botol susu & puting tu, takpe, ummi sanggup. Asalkan Tasneem mahu minum susu ummi dalam botol.

my story : post-op

Its been a while, pardon me. The new life as a mother; parents to little Tasneem has been great so far. 

The outer wound where they cut me is already healed but I still feel pain from the inside, especially when I feed lil’ Tasneem or whenever I bent down for any reason. Patutlah org kata jgn bongkok2 sangat lepas kena C-Sect ni.

Looking at my little girl, my heart melt and the proud feeling of becoming her mother blooming every single day. Rasa macam x percaya pulak yang dia dah ada depan mata. 

Giving birth to my little girl was an experience I didnt expected it to be. Neither did I ever imagine of. Honestly, I’ve been praying and hoping that I would give birth by normal procedure. In fact, I was confident that I would succeed through out the process; I was mentally prepared for the pain, I was ready for the labour battle and I was all prepared for the berpantang afterwards. Little did I realize that I was being tested by Him.

I was blinded by the nikmat He bestowed upon me.

Forgive me Ya Allah.

I was forgetfull for the blessings.

Oh Lord, forgive me.

He already had plan for me.

31st Dec ‘07; Monday  11.00pm

I was all stitched up and discharged from the Operation Room. Still anesthesized bottom down, I feel no pain at all. The drug they’ve given me cause drowsiness and I was half awake when they transfered me from the operation bed to the other. Hubby was nowhere to be seen after he took the pic below. I assumed he went to see his daughter upstairs and left me all alone. :p

Half awake & aware of surroundings

Wheeled to my room

I was awake when I reached my room. My parents, sibling and relatives were still around and but their main attention that night was my daughter!!  I was dripped so I’m not thirsty nor hungry, I was still paralyzed and nothing much I could do that night.

I was about to sleep when I felt itchy all over my body. It started at the neck and breast area, I thought it was just a normal itchy. But then the itchy sensation started to travel across my belly, thigh and the back area. I had goosebumps all over my body except minus the spooky feeling. Macam kera kena belacan, I was all scratching the bed for almost 1 hour until the staff nurse on-duty came and gave me a piriton jap. Baru boleh nak tido. Later I found out that it was the anesthetic drug me that cause the itchiness.

For your info, I was given spinal anesthetic (morphine) not epidural for the procedure. The drug will be effective for the next 6 hours and I was warned that I will feel pain around the wound area the next morning.

I was not prepare for it.

1st January ‘08; Tuesday

Woke up with an empty belly. I mean, its kind of weird looking at my belly which slightly flatter (??) than yesterday. Tried to adjust my position but OUCH!!!! it really hurt!!!! Even the slightest movement will cause me pain. So I decide not to move at all. I was on the catheter so I did not feel the urge to urinate, I was still on drip so I’m not hungry nor thirsty. All I ever do that morning was lying on the bed, feeling numb & pain at my bottock area. Nak adjust position pun x berani sebab sakit.

Around 9am, a nurse-aid came for a sponge session. For those who might not know, sponge session is a procedure where they bath you with warm water using a sponge or in my case; small towel.

Mula2 ingatkan dia nak sponge sambil baring, rupa2nya kene duduk melunjur. Sakitnya Tuhan yang tahu masa aid-nurse tu naikkan my bed. Menangis tahan sakit and that aid-nurse kept on saying “sorry kak farah…sorry ye kak farah” sambil meninggikan katil tu. Nak bergerak pun sakit, ni kan pula nak suruh duduk. Poor that aid-nurse, mesti rasa bersalah kan.. :p  During the sponging pun menderita jugak bila dia suruh mengiring ke kiri & ke kanan sebab nak lap bahagian belakang. Aduhaii….

After sponging, barulah dapat jumpa dgn lil’ Tasneem after almost 12 hours post-op and a brief 1 minute meeting in the OT room. Terharunye rasa perasaan 1st time pegang anak sendiri. Tak tahu nak cakap ape, I just look at her, touching her nose, eyes, lips, ears. Just feeling her for the 1st time. SubhanAllah, He had given me the most precious gift in my/our life.

My little girl was asleep when she was brought to see me. I had to wait for about 1 hour before I finally able to offer my milk. Sadly to say, she had been given formula milk twice since she was born. It was something out of my knowledge but there was little I could do to stop it.

1. I was still drugged with morphine when she was screaming for comfort/food after the delivery.

2. It was my mistake that I didnt leave a message to the nurses not to give FM to my baby. My bad.

However, my little angel really put a smile on my face when she happily sucking my milk-factory like she had been waiting for it since forever. Yela, risau jugak lah dia tak nak dengan n*ppl* kite bila dah dpt botol. Mula2 rasa pelik and janggal juga nak breastfeed anak, not knowing what to do, which is the correct way, how to hold her while feeding etc. Nasib baiklah my sister and mother were around. I was not sure either there were any milk existed during that time, but my little girl looked more than happy sucking it so I was pretty confident that I successfully fed her. I know the milk didnt come in yet but I’m confident that she got the colustrum and happily stimulate the milk-factory, which is the most important of all. 

Rooming in for the 1st time

I was off the drip and cathether later that evening and I was determine to wake up from the bed or at least able to adjust my position on the bed. Apart from pain from the belly and groin area, the bottock also adding up the list of pain to me since I had been bed-rested for more than 16 hours.

My first attempt getting up from bed was to turn my body to the left sideline. The pain was there but I can still handle it. The next step was to change from sideline to sitting position. Now this was the most agonizing part. Menangis tahan sakit. Bayangkan, all this while we have been using the stomach muscle for the movement, suddenly when you already have pain from the same area, how could you not using the same muscle and at the same time to feel the pain? Seriously, memang sakit. However, despite the pain, I succeeded to sit at the edge of the bed and next step was to stand on my feet. This time, I surrender. Eventhough I hold onto hubby’s body to help me stand, but the pain was unbearable. I  had to relax and layan borak with friends for almost 1 hour, then baru try bangun balik. Alhamdulillah, berjaya juga bangun dan berdiri. Bila dah berjaya berdiri, I tried to walk. Macam budak baru belajar berjalan, 1 step at a time.

Miraculously, after all the agonizing pain to stand on my 2 feet, I felt better. The pain was there but somehow rather it felt lesser than when I was bed-ridden. My theoretical idea for this situation was when I move around, the blood flow is free from any compression. And maybe my mind was not directed to think about the pain, thus it now has many other signals to cater other the pain signal. Hoohohoo… whatever it is, I felt so much better after that.

2nd January ‘08; Wednesday

Woke up. Pain. Depressed and feeling helpless. Feeling sad and guilty towards hubby because I had to rely on him on every aspects of my life. I asked hubby for a hug and kissed his hand asking for apology for I will have to rely on him on everything. It was nothing to him but an issue for me. I am always an independent of my own all this while and suddenly bed-ridden and helpless is an emotional issue for me. 

Hubby helped me getting up from bed and to my feet. You see, the problem I was facing that time was to stand on my feet from the laying position. I had to do the step slowly and trying not to use the stomach muscle to lessen the pain. So it took me almost 10 minutes everytime I wanted to wake up from bed, either for the toilets of just to walk around. But once I’m on my feet, I’d walk around macam tak kene ceaser. Laju nye jalan, macam x kena bedah je; bak kata budak2 aid-nurse.

3rd January ‘08; Thursday

Scheduled to be discharged by today. Sangat tidak sabar untuk di keluarkan dari wad. Lagi lama kene warded, lagi terasa macam sakit. In fact was that I was actively moving around the room, even managed to bath myself without assisted. Getting up from the bed was not as agonizing as before because I had learnt the correct way/technic to do the steps with less pain. A fast learner we’re talking here.. huhuhu :p

At around 3pm, Doctor Noraini came for the last review and finally I was out of the hospital. Seronoknya dapat balik rumah, with my new little girl. We went to our home 1st since we had to pack a few things for my long-confinement stay at seremban. Then later we travelled to my parent’s and it was the 1st ever ride for Tasneem in a car, eventhough not her abi’s but her atuk’s. Tak kesah lah kan kete sape, yang penting selamat.

So, there it was; my post-op experience mostly about the pain. I had never been hospitalized before, I had never been dripped & cathetered before, nor I had never been operation before. So overall , it was all my 1st experience; my 1st born with all new sets of experiences.

Eventhough there were many WHAT IF running around in my head before, when and after I had the surgery, I refused to ever think about them. Also when questions like WHY thrown by people, I smile as an answer or just ignore the question. I need not explain to them our decision. I need not satisfy their evil thoughts.

Here I take the chance to say BIG THANX to family and freinds who came for a visit. Many thanx to : Joy & family, Nani & family, Kannan & family, Fazril & family, Su & family, Ziemah, Yan, Betty, UNITEN Rowers, KLKM scouts, officemates, Makbusu, Atam, Kak Aju, Abg Danny, and of course emak, angah, abg meno, afeef and in-laws.

Life has been great so far.. I’m blessed.

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

my story

 First of all, ALHAMDULILLAH dengan izin-Nya saya masih lagi diberikan nafas dan di anugerahkan nikmat yang tidak terhingga; kelahiran bayi perempuan kami ke muka bumi Allah ini.

 Maha Suci Allah.

Banyak dugaan yang kami tempuhi sebelum dianugerahkan permata hati kami itu. It didn’t turn out as what we wanted it to be, kami hanyalah hamba yang lemah kadang-kadang terlupa yang segala perancangan itu adalah suatu ujian untuk kita sebenarnya kerana hanya Dia yang menentukan apa yang terbaik untuk kita.

So here is my story. 

Thursday, 28/12/2007

I went to see Dr.Noraini for her opinion regarding induce labor. I just need 2^ndfrom the gynae. I had the vaginal examination (VE) and was confirmed that the tissue around the cervix is already soft which indicates that the induce hormone –prostin will work well in a suitable condition.We had a discussion on the pros & cons and effects of the procedure and  I was scheduled to be admitted to the ward at 10pm Sunday 30/12/2007and prostin will be administered at 3am the next morning.

However, I secretly praying that lil’one will make the debut appearance by its own.

 Sunday, 30/12/2007Woke up from bed with a feeling of wet panty. Checked and it did feel wet. Informed hubby but decided to play wait and see. Continue to pack things for my confinement in Seremban.2.15pm - discovered a brown stain. Feeling a bit scarred not knowing what to do. Fortunately Sister Ruby called and asked her about it. She advised me to relax and go to the hospital. Do not rush and panic, she said.By the time we finished our lunch, emak and ayah arrived and told them about stain. Mak cakap, ha tu dah tanda-tanda lah tu.                                                         

 Last pregnant picture @ 40 weeks

4.15pm - Off we go to the hospital.6.30pm– Dr Noraini came and I was administered with prostin. The hormone should be working within 6 hours.After about 30 mins, I started to feel the contraction. Sakitnya macam period pain. I still can walk around.

CTG result : baby’s heartbeat OK, contraction : MILD.

12.30pm– VE result: -ve.

The cervix has not dilated yet. To wait for Dr. Noraini the next morning.   

Monday, 31/12/2007

7.00am – Dr Noraini came and again administered prostin for the 2^nd attempt. Again to wait for result in 6 hours. I was hoping the contraction will be stronger, but strangely I didn’t feel any contraction at all. It was better this time. Even had the energy to climb the staircase and went for a drink at the restaurant nearby.I started to feel anxious with the situation.

1.00pm– Dr Noraini came for a review. VE result : -ve

I was still ‘closed’. And we were given 2 options : To take prostin for the last attempt or proceed with C-Sec.Still hoping that I will ‘open’, we opted for prostin with high hope that I can deliver my baby with normal CVS procedure.

Now the time is killing me. Waiting is agony.

Angah and makbusu came for moral support but I still tensed for the next 6 hours.

7.30pm– VE result : -ve.

The maximum dose of prostin have been given, there was a constant MILD contraction but could not initiate the cervix to open thus failure for normal cervical delivery.Since the hormone was still in my system, it will continue to initiate contraction to the uterus and even though the cervix is not dilated, thus can cause bad complications to my baby & I; i.e: uterine rupture.

I was devastated.

The only option we had was C-Sect procedure.

Allah sahaja yang tahu perasaanku pada masa itu.

I tried to stay calm and control my emotions when I, half-heartedly agree and signed the Letter of Consent for the procedure, but when hubby & I were left alone, I broke my tears.

I was frustated. I was not ready for this situation. My mental was not prepared for this decision. My heart hurt. We were both were not prepare for this.

(I ‘m still emotional as I’m typing this)

I’m fortunate that hubby was around all the time and stayed cool. Kalau dia pun emotional jugak tak boleh nak bayangkan dua2 nangis bagai nak rak time tu.           

                                  

(Not so) prepare for the procedure

8.30pm - I was wheel-chaired to the operation room. Still crying.

I was being operated

9.31pm - I heard the cry of our baby for the 1st time. I cried when hearing abi azan & iqamat to our daughter. It was miracle. Undescribable feeling to hear the voice of our baby.

Our daughter, was born on 31st December 2007 at 9.31pm weighted at 3.1kg.

Maha Suci Allah. Allah hu Akbar. 

” Hello sweetheart, you can call me ummi “, our 1st met after 40 weeks

 I wanted share about the post-op experience, however I decided to let it be in another post. I dont want to kill the excitement of yours. hehe

Now ladies and gentlement, I proudly present your our pride, our joy, our love :

TASNEEM ATHIRAH BT MUHAMAD IBRAHIM